Many years ago, I had the privilege of spending a year in Colorado Springs (USA) working for an organisation called Young Life. I can hand-on-my-heart say that it was one of the best and most transformative years for me – I loved my work with high school kids and adored working as a camp counsellor. I also got to meet and learn from some pretty incredible people – one of which was a man by the name of Andy Fletcher. Andy and I first bonded over a common love of chocolate, and then over a common love of spending time with and working with kids. And high school kids LOVED Andy. Whenever I saw him, he had been cornered by a group of kids who were fiercely debating something or other with him.
I think one of the things I enjoyed about Andy’s style of teaching was that he always gave prizes for the best QUESTION, not the best answer. He believed that teaching kids to think for themselves was far more important than spoon-feeding them the answers, and enjoyed nothing more than a healthy debate, even if their views were different from his own. He continually provoked thinking and questioning with those he was with. And it’s exactly that I want to do today.
To be honest, I blame my MIF (Mad Irish Friend) Fiona for this dilemma – because it was her that first raised the issue of children’s birthday parties, and birthday parties in general. And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.
Fiona had a massive 40th birthday celebration last year, and instead of gifts, asked each guest to donate money to The Lunchbox Fund (an organisation that feeds a jaw-dropping THIRTEEN THOUSAND South African children each and every day). In itself, it’s not a brand new concept to request donations instead of birthday gifts – but I still feel it was amazingly generous of her. And then we got to talking about my Simpler Life journey, and how I was downscaling quite dramatically on my daughters’ birthday parties. And how I had steadfastly refused to provide party packs at the end of the Bella’s 3rd birthday party because it seemed so excessive.
“It’s ALL excessive!” said Fiona in her beautiful Irish accent. “All of it! We have a birthday party every second weekend at my children’s school – I’m forever buying gifts that the children don’t really need because most of them come from well-off families!”
I have to admit it hadn’t ever crossed my mind! True, I have often bemoaned the fact that children’s books and toys are so expensive, and with 20 children in Bella’s nursery school class, that works out to 19 parties and 19 gifts for her class alone – excluding family and friends’ birthday parties. If you average on spending a very conservative R100 a gift – that’s almost R2,000 right there.
“But what do you suggest?” I asked, thinking of my daughters’ horrified faces if they were to be told there would be no presents at their future birthday parties,
“I don’t know,” she replied. “But it’s really too much. Maybe everybody contributes a set amount and the parents choose one thing to buy with the money – something the child really needs or wants? Instead of lots of little things they might not even play with or use?”
I have to admit. I liked it.
Strangely enough, my eldest daughter (10) did too. Then again, she is wise beyond her years and generous to a fault. HER suggestion was that when children are old enough to understand the concept of abundance and how privileged they really are, they should be given the option of having their friends bring gifts, but ones that can be donated.
“They can bring Blessing Bags, mom!” she exclaimed. “Plastic bags that are filled with clean socks, underpants, some food and maybe a blanket. Whatever they can afford or want to give. After the party, we can load them into the boot of your car and hand them out whenever we see someone that needs it.”
“But wouldn’t you miss having presents for yourself?” I asked.
“Yes,” she smiled. “But I’ll get over it. Besides, you and Dad can give me EXTRA because I’m such a great kid!”
Mmmmmm.
Another friend suggested getting everyone to buy books as birthday gifts for younger children, so that they can still have the experience of opening loads of presents after their party. The birthday/girl can then read each and every book before later donating them to a school or charity. Should they prefer to keep any of the books, they can replace them with books from their own collection so that the numbers even out in the end.
Yet another idea is for friends to bring tins of dog food for the SPCA. Or second-hand clothing to donate to a shelter. Or blankets for this year’s Blanket Drive. And not just for children’s parties, but for adult birthdays too. Because, if I’m REALLY honest, I have to wrack my brains for ideas on what people can get me for my birthdays. For me, it’s always been wanting to celebrate the day with those that mean the most to me, so in ACTUAL fact, their presence far outweighs their presents.
As I said, I don’t have all the answers – I am just sitting with the question, chewing it over in my mind and seeing how it fits into my quest for A Simpler Life. The bottom line is that while we are in the privileged position of needing to declutter, there are so many others are not as fortunate. Are we really teaching our children that birthday parties are about creating memories and spending time with people we love, or have they become synonymous with getting more “stuff”? (And please note that I’m not suggesting your children don’t receive birthday gifts at all – far from it! It’s more about how to handle the whole concept of gifts at their birthday parties.)
Needless to say, I’d really value your thoughts and ideas on this one!
Loved this. After several years of holding a big birthday party for Josh because everyone else was doing it, we asked him what he wanted. “Just 2 or 3 friends mom, and doing something fun with you and dad.” He didn’t enjoy the parties because he hates big groups. He didn’t care about the presents – he really didn’t – he loved a gift from us because it was just one and it was what he had been asking for all year – it was more about the experience with good friends. This year, it’s Gold Reef City with 2 of his girl-friends – his choice. Amazing how we get sucked into what is expected of us, what is “normal”. I would take a coffee out with a friend for a birthday gift over anything they could buy me ANY YEAR!
Hi Shelli. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading this article, and although I do not have kids of my own yet, I have 3 nephews and lots of friends with kids. I must admit that kids’ birthdays are the worst for me as who knows what to buy for them? Especially when you don’t have kids of your own and don’t necessarily know what is suitable for their age and what is the new “in thing”.
So, I have started giving them money (as you mentioned above) which either the parents put into a bank account for them or put in their “piggy banks” – and our group of friends do the same. I have found this to be great as they use this money to buy something “big” that tends to be out of the parents budget ie: cricket bats, bicycles etc. My nephews have really enjoyed this as they keep asking their mom how much money they have and what they can do to get some pocket money in order to buy their “big present”. I believe this is a good lesson to kids as it teaches them about saving for that special something and also when they bought it with their own money, it does tend to be looked after like gold!
Children also love making their own gifts in particular handmade cards.. Children love put meaning into their card and knowing it is for someone they know makes it personal. It’s not difficult to source stickers of all sorts and shapes, a few colouring pencils etc etc… I never have to buy cards anymore 🙂 ps another huge waste of money in my opinion ..
Love your writing Shelli! You speak my mind 🙂 lots love and keep it up xxxxxx
Love the Blessing Bag or charity idea… The tough one will be getting the little ones heads wrapped around it.. But well worth a try!
Hi Shelli. I think you are on to something here. Thankfully both my kids are in their twenties so I don’t have to worry about birthday parties but one thing I noticed when I was in that era is that everyone feels they have to compete with the other moms for the better party. The parties seemed to get bigger and more expensive with more eats and bigger party packs. We have to stop and think about what we are teaching our kids through this – that they have to compete with others to have the best all the time. Money towards a more expensive gift (or even an education policy) is a good idea which could then also be given with something that could be donated to other children or animals. What a life lesson for those kids to actually take those items and see who will receive them with much appreciation. These are the lessons we should be teaching our kids – how to enjoy the simple things in life, how to share, how to give to others in need, it is NOT all about ME!
This was a really great read. And so very true, the excess is just crazy. Some thoughts:
Your bio sparked an idea. Have a “birthday jar” at the party, where guests can put in any amount they can afford, and no-one will know how much (avoid the need to give too much or feel embarressed if you are broke). Kiddie can then buy something they really want. Communicate this to guests before.
We have a rule for birthdays and Christmas, some toys need to be removed to make space for new ones. The “old” ones are then given to charity. We do this to teach about giving, not to have an excess of stuff and clearing clutter. Quintin now does this himself.
Your blog really made me think about your point, in that it is the people that matter not the gifts. When I thought about it, I cannot really remember the gifts I got last year, but the memories made with the special people in my life is as clear as day!